I have being in anxiety, when attending high school at first year, I was so depressed, than before, when I was 15, my mother was diagnosed with something terrible illness: late-stage cancer. But something annoying I received from my peer that my mom’s illness because of the sin of my bisexuality, god punished me because of my sin. Although I never believe it is true, but someone just told me that tragedy was cause by my bisexuality, it is kind of pain and scar. I often reminded myself something terrible and I should be blamed. Years after, I suffered from clinical depression, nightmare is coming to me, my bisexual live became dark and gray.
I don't think my depression has something to do with my bisexual orientation. In my toughest days, as a bi girl, there are no threats to my bisexual identity around. But I know very well that my feelings for another lesbian friend are real, we have sex, and our relationship is quite good. The shadow that most lingered me is the friends and companions in my life circle. They always refuse me, laugh at me, and even think that bisexuality is a disease. I have been living under the pressure of my peers with fear. Even I have any difficulties, and I can’t tell my friends so that my problems cannot be solved.
As time went by, my depression situation did not get improved. Sometimes, this situation was beyond my control. One year later, I was from the breakup. My anxiety seemed to have occupied my whole body. It tried to drive me to commit suicide, my life rhythm is completely disrupted. This kind of emotion was getting worse and worse when I was not accompanied. I lost twenty pounds a month. I can’t sleep at all. In the mid night, I was scared to freak out. And I was trembled by a cold sweat, this has been repeated until dawn. When I was awake, I couldn’t control my crying and shaking. I was already numb, and my body was completely dominated by emotions. This kind of suicidal idea was getting worse, because I sincerely believed that giving up was the best solution. When I was a senior, I decided to implement a suicide plan.
A girl in my class noticed my abnormality. I was extremely withdrawn and blunt. One day, she talked to me privately and asked if I had suicidal thoughts. I told her about the true. That day, We sat quietly for an hour because I felt that she was trustworthy, so my depression situation was very stable. She told me that this feeling should be recognized and taken seriously, but we can't prove this feeling by ending life, but need to change. I am very puzzled to ask her why, she said: "Because you are important, each individual is more important than they think." Even if I don't believe in the value of my existence, my feelings may become better off. She stayed with me that day and asked me to promise her a request: Don't commit suicide, my life is valuable to her. Later, I have been encouraged by her and gave up the idea of suicide. She made me believe that my life is valuable.
Since then, I have been paying close attention to many studies on bisexuality against depression. Many studies have shown that bisexuals have a higher risk of depression than heterosexuals, and their risk of suicide is higher. These discrepancies are derived from judging the traditional concept of bisexual people, sometimes the consequences of such criteria are often more serious then we thought. Where do the bisexual communities go, we are scared and afraid that we will be helpless in the heterosexual world. In a perfect world, this bisexual and heterosexual difference should be eliminated, without biphobia or homophobia. Nowadays, we can only rely on mutual maintenance to resist depression, but the only thing we can do to fight depression.
Establishing connections is the purpose of our mutual support. In today's society, bisexuality is not necessarily supported by friends and families. To this end, we establish contacts in order to establish a sense of group identity, talking to each other, encouraging each other, and mutual Fighting anxiety, that’s our goal. We can help others by sharing their experiences, or we can get relief from mutual help groups. Bisexuality is not a disease. Our depression is not because we are bisexual, but because we are eager to get help in pain and feel great pressure, because we are human.